Am I crazy?
This is a thought that runs through my mind almost daily during ski season…well, let’s be honest that thought runs through my mind a few times in the summer as well! I think it’s a valid question…and I’m about to go on a bit of rant on why I just might be crazy so buckle your seatbelts!
FIRST OFF, I am extremely lucky and blessed to live this life! I am chasing my dreams and have so many amazing experiences due to ski racing. But, it is not without struggle. My struggles are certainly petty compared to the broader and more troubling struggles happening in this world. My intention is to share some of the hilarity of the struggles relative to myself while also sharing some of the non-hilarity as well. So here we go! 

Some of the most annoying things about travel…
Laundry: I actually wonder how many minutes and probably hours of my ski racing life have been spent looking for clean underwear and socks. It’s probably a frightening number, like ten hours of my life wasted looking for clean socks. When you can only do laundry every couple weeks’ things get, how should I say…interesting. Like the fact that it feels like a small victory when a shirt passes the smell test and you proudly tell your roommate “I have one more day left in this shirt” like they should be impressed (which they probably are). Or if the shirt doesn’t pass the smell test you hang it up for the next three days hoping that the smell and Spaghetti Bolognese stains will somehow magically disappear. I’ve yet to have that type of magic happen but it hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Sure, you can always wash some things in the bathroom sink and get ahead there, but then your room turns into some sort of wet, steam room type situation as your laundry dries, and combined with ski boot liners that can create an interesting smell. Not to mention if the maid comes to tidy up the room and you have 17 pairs of wet (but clean!) underwear hanging from every spot possible it sure can make things it a bit awkward.
I also get something I like to call “clothing fatigue” or better known by every woman as “I hate all my clothes” syndrome. This can happen when you have been trapped with the same clothing for three and half months. It gets to the point where you can’t even remember if you wore this shirt or that shirt or those pants last night to dinner. Or where is my “nice” dinner outfit? Do I even have a nice dinner outfit? Does this flannel shirt count as nice? How about these awesome sweatpants? Can I wear my slippers to dinner? I’ve worn my slippers to dinner for the past week…but I had my nice flannel on so it evens out. I think.

Hotels: Ah, isn’t it so nice to stay in a hotel? Away from the worries of your own home, no dishes to put away, no house to clean…just great.  That feeling fades after a couple weeks and turns into a conflict of this bed is too soft, this one is too hard, do they really consider this to be a pillow?! What is that gross looking stain on the carpet? Will those noisy children ever shut up? Will those people at the bar ever shut up? Is the bar actually in my room? Because it sounds like it. Finally waking up every morning thinking “where am I?”. A major conflict is: “I am a 26-year-old woman, I’m an ADULT, why in the heck is there only ONE bed in this room??? I am not on my honeymoon and I DO NOT want to share a full sized bed with my teammate!!! OK?”. Well, that happens a lot, just have pretend I am 6 years old again (in case you forgot that I mentioned it already I’m 26) and that I am having a really fun sleepover with my friend and we are “choosing” to share a bed. For three months at a time. Yes, months and months of room and bed sharing. Starts to make cleaning the house and putting away dishes sound pretty good.
​If you are lucky maybe there will be a set of the smallest twin beds ever so you at least get your own “bed”. Every time you walk into a new room it is with your fingers crossed hoping you will be blessed with your very own mini bed and if you happen to get that mini bed you look at your roommate and yell “SCORE, we get our own beds!”. Small things, it’s the small things in life that really matter. Right?
Did I forget to mention how much stuff we all have? Lots and lots of stuff, stuff upon stuff.  Ski boots, duffel bags, back packs, poles, all crowding us into an even smaller living space in our hotel rooms. Many times I wake up with my face just inches from another human who I do not want to share a bed with and if I try to create more distance I might end up just inches from the teetering tower of stuff upon stuff that at any moment might topple over and suffocate both of us in a mound of ski jackets, speed suits and dirty socks.

Here are just a couple things about ski racing that make me question my sanity...
Speedsuits: Really? Why are speedsuits even a thing? As I prepared for a race the other day I realized (why it took me nearly 20 years of ski racing to figure this out I do NOT know) that I literally just had two different layers of spandex between my naked body and the frigid outside world and that I was about to send myself (of my own free will) 70mph an hour down a bumpy, icy, dark track on skis that are sharpened like razors and could slash through my layers of spandex like bits of tissue paper. As I continued getting ready I thought to myself, “oh I probably shouldn’t wear these arm guards under my suit, they kinda stick out and are probably slowing me down by like a thousandth of a second, but I’ll wear them because it hurts my arms really bad when I hit gates going 70mph and that pain might distract me for a hundredth of second which might cost me a tenth of second”. So in theory I should be faster by wearing the arm guards…This whole thought process in my mind also makes me question my sanity and why I am even coming up with theories like that.

The Agony of Defeat: Could there be a more brutal sport out there? I don’t think so. Not only are you risking your body on daily basis and at some point in your ski racing career you will likely suffer some sort of injury that will come back to haunt you in 20 years (or even right now), but you also have to deal with on an almost daily basis that unsatisfactory feeling that you wish you had done better. Well isn’t that nice, you dedicate yourself to this crazy sport and yet for the most part don’t ever really feel satisfied with it. I guess that’s life in general maybe, but ski racing really has a brutal way of showing you how unsatisfied you should be.  With all the emotional trauma ski racing puts me through I am certain I will be prepared for whatever else life has in store. Example; I missed out on qualifying for World Cup finals (only the top 25 ranked athletes in each discipline qualify for finals) after starting 30th La Thuile in rutted, bumpy, deteriorating conditions, skiing my heart out and sending it as hard as I could, to finish 11th! At first feeling the elation of knowing I had just skied a clutch performance when I needed it, feeling so proud and satisfied with myself, to know that I rose to the occasion and did exactly what I needed to do! Having my teammates crowd around me telling me good job, giving high fives and seeing the joy in their faces as well as they knew I had just overcome a season long struggle and finally broke through.
 Then minutes later looking at the scoreboard again and feeling my stomach and legs drop out from under my body to realize that even with my kick-ass performance, my best skiing of the season, a defiant run that overcame the conditions, that I missed it by just .07. The distance of 6 feet. Turned out one sneaky Italian ranked behind me in the Downhill standings came through with an unforeseen podium result, effectively knocking me out of the top 25 and crushing my hopes. I finished the regular Downhill season ranked 26th, just three world cup points shy from qualifying. After the struggle of the whole Downhill season, after fighting to overcome bad weather, crappy start numbers, my own mistakes, and to miss it by the length of ski. That satisfied, proud feeling replaced by overwhelming sadness and total helplessness. Clear the decks! Total melt-down about to ensue, and I can’t fight it anymore. I don’t want to be positive in this moment, I can’t tell myself anymore that its “going to be ok” and that I just have to keep working hard, keep my chin up, keep fighting. I don’t want any of that in this moment, I want to lay down and quit. Just give in to frustration and the feeling of total defeat. How could ski racing treat me like that? I feel like a jilted lover, giving ski racing everything I have and still not a lot in return. I have fought so hard to overcome injuries and whatever obstacles were in my way! Ski racing gives me this, a total freaking break down and the feeling of being a failure. Not to mention the stress of; will any ski company want to sponsor me? What will my sponsors think? Do they still want to support me after such a dismal Downhill season? How am I going to pay for anything since I have made like $6 this season? How can this happen after all my hard work? All my dedication and perseverance? What is even the POINT??!!
Ugh, ski racing can just be the worst! It can be so cruel, yet for brief moments so satisfying. Its an ugly battle most of the time, with shining moments of glory. So, I must be crazy along with every other ski racer to put myself through the emotional, physical, financial, trauma in pursuit of the craziness. It surely isn’t about the winning or glory, or most of us would have quit years and years ago. I’m not sure what it is about but something drives us on.

Memory of Goldfish: You would think after the last few paragraphs that I would have packed my bags up days ago, left my skis and boots behind, flown home and try to forget ski racing. But I haven’t! Still here, still fighting on, still going to make things happen somehow. Something inside me keeps pushing on, the belief that it’s not hopeless, that some time from now I’ll be on the other side of the struggle and look back and know that like all the other obstacles in life I overcame it somehow. That in my moment of defeat I knew somehow it was all “going to be ok”.  Ski racers like much of the human race are amazingly resilient, and all must have very short memories to continue day after day with the struggle.
So now I continue on with my smelly socks, clothing that I am sick of, sharing rooms and beds when all I crave is some personal space, dragging bags and bags of endless stuff to endless hotels, to risk my life and body while racing down some insane slope darting around gates wearing practically nothing, worrying if braiding my hair is slower than wearing my hair in bun, all to endure the one of most intense emotional roller coasters I can imagine. All for this insanely difficult sport. This insane sport that I still love no matter what.
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe not.

Whew, fresh off of another jaunt across part of Europe! Six to seven hour drives have been the norm this season and it sure has been giving us plenty of time to listen to 90’s top hits playlists and Ted Talks! Nothing like jamming to some J-Lo, Third Eye Blind and Britney Spears for hours on end to make you tone deaf and delirious.
It’s been a tough season for me, with no real results to speak of. At times it can be overwhelming to think about where I am at right now in my ski career, after coming back from injuries that were almost back to back with back to back to back to back surgeries this was supposed to be (at least in my mind) a huge year for me. I’ve mentioned it many times but this was the first preparation period since 2010 where I wasn’t returning from a knee surgery of some sort. Finally feeling strong and powerful, poised for success and instead I am in the midst of my worst World Cup season to date. It’s tough to choke that sentence down and to really admit where I’m at. At times I want to have a complete melt down, roll around on the floor and throw a temper tantrum (ask any five-year-old, temper tantrums are best thrown while on the floor as its much more dramatic) complete with legs and arms kicking and screaming my head off. Unfortunately, I am a 26-year-old woman and those types of antics would be frowned upon, at least in public. What I do on my own time is my own business…hehe better turn the volume up on that stereo!
​

Tik toc, tik toc...the season seems to be clicking by so slow! I feel like I am on a roller coaster clicking my way to the top before starting the wild ride down. I know in only days that roller coaster will take off and I better hold onto my hat cause it's about to get wild. Wild with a two run World Cup Downhill in Zauchensee, Austria on the schedule this coming weekend, wowzers, won't that be something! I have never done a two run Downhill race before or been to Zauchensee so it will be a whole new and exciting experience for me. I have to say I was pretty sad when St. Anton was canceled...the spot of my World Cup victory and such a cool/challenging/intimidating course that I was really looking forward to testing myself against. Ah, well that is the nature of this crazy sport! Always changing with so many variables.

I am excited to get racing again, after a not so great start to the season I'm looking forward to stepping up and getting it done! Lake Louise was pretty much a total bust for me. After a training camp in Copper where I struggled much of the camp it was hard to put it all together on race day and feel like the pieces of the puzzle were even in the right puzzle box! I had some sections that ripped but individual sections of speed followed by mediocre sections never get you the results you want.
Val D' Isere was much better thankfully. Started to feel that rhythm again and was getting those puzzle pieces out of the box and sticking them together. One of the pieces that is coming into my skiing is the tecnical sections where racers can't just rely on guts and the ability to send it. You have to make those transitions and turns technically clean and fast. Surprisingly (or not so) my fastest section in Val D' Isere was that section that required less balls to the walls attitude and more finesse of making fast, clean Super-G ish turns. I'm not the same reckless racer I was five years ago and don't have the same attitude that I am indestructible and can risk everything, so it's perfect timing to be able to be finding that finesse and technique to where I don't have to be as reckless and sketchy to be fast!

It's new year full of new opportunities and possibilities and I can't wait for it to begin... It's time to saddle up for a crazy few months. Put me in coach, I'm ready to get wild!

Whew…what a summer! I hardly had time to blog…ahhh hmmm. Yea, I just made that up. I had plenty of time to write about my summer but I’ll be honest, I just never felt the motivation or desire to do it. SO now I have decided it has gone too far! I must update my blog or do something productive with this less busy time of year. So here we go…
Looking back on this summer I did the usual training in Park City, lifting heavy things, putting them down, picking them up again, spinning on the bike, running on the treadmill (boring!), mountain biking (not boring!) and going through the usual suffering of physical training. Not say it was a breeze or anything but I don’t need to bore everyone with the intimate details that I worked out a lot this summer as it is part of my JOB. I don’t deserve a ribbon or anything for it, I showed up and did it. I will say though (just to brag a bit) this is actually the best shape I have ever been in! After finally having a healthy winter that was injury free I was able to put the hammer down and get in shape. It’s great to feel strong and powerful, not like I’m sorta half way there and hanging on.  

​I also went to some ski camps…as I am a ski racer. Those were great! We had an awesome trip to New Zealand with great tech training; I even bashed a few slalom gates! It was fun at times…but at others just as frustrating and annoying as I remembered it to be (sorry tech lovers, slalom just ain't my thang).  I also had the amazing opportunity to go heli skiing near Mt. Cook for an afternoon which was totally insane! Lifelong goal/dream of mine come true. I really “get it” now when people ramble on and on about heli skiing and how great it is. To be so far out in the mountains away from civilization doing your own thing and being in that moment of just loving skiing and the mountains is truly special. 

Portillo was a good time as well! I love it down there. Yes, it is very secluded and life on the Portillo “cruise ship” can get a bit monotonous at times and there can be very few distractions from the daily routine but the training slope makes up for it. Some of the most fun days of Downhill and Super-G can be had there. We had excellent training for the majority of our camp and I was really feeling it, skiing some of my best skiing ever on the Roca Jack pitch, except for that one run I hipped in and proceeded to face slam then slide the rest of the pitch upside down trying to claw at the frozen corn to somehow stop which I eventually did after I nailed a gate or two. I was luckily unscathed for the most part only suffering a scrape on my chin and a bent ski. It was actually kind of nice to crash and walk away from it ok, it reminded me that I can fall hard and be fine! I have had a couple bad experiences of not walking away fine…hehe. 

​Finally…I must share what the highlight of my summer was, rafting the Grand Canyon in April! Just a couple days after US Nationals in Sugarloaf, where I was crowned the National SG Champion (there was no actual crown but I did get a pretty sweet imitation of a hatchet for a trophy) my father Greg, and my boyfriend Pat and I put on the river at Lee’s Ferry on April 1st. With our busy schedules we were only able to do a quick 9 day tour of the Grand Canyon.  My father is somewhat of an ex-river rat having been down the “Grand” well over 20 times. It was my fifth trip, my first trip being 20 years ago when I was just a mini river rat at age 5. It was Pat’s first overnight river trip ever (really started him off with an easy one…haha) and I am sure the longest camping trip he had ever been on. But with Pat being a Vermonter he is all woodsy and stuff and did great. It was also key to have someone with some muscle (Pat) to get to work with the bail bucket, as my father would say “I’m too old for that s**t, make Pat do it.” Turns out there was a lot of bailing to had and Pat was very busy boy! For people unfamiliar with whitewater rafting the Grand Canyon ranks as one of the premier rivers to raft, not only is it some of the most incredible scenery but the rapids themselves rank very high up there in the size and difficulty, kinda like double black diamond type stuff.

In typical Mckennis Family fashion our rafting set up is a bit dated…we have a tendency to hold onto things forever as long as they work and upgrading before the equipment is in threads is not an option or thought. We have a 16 foot “bucket boat” from 1993; meaning we are kicking it old school and have to bail the boat ourselves not like the new fancy boats that are self bailing. It’s about the equivalent of running Downhill on Slalom skis. That haven’t been tuned in awhile. Coaching skis basically. You can do it, and will probably make it fine but it will be sketchy, a lot more interesting and a bit terrifying. As one old grumpy codger we met on the river remarked to us as we passed by “you find that boat in a museum?” Obviously he didn’t think our boat was up to par…lucky for him though with his old codger hearing he missed out on some less that complementary remarks from my father on how he belonged in a museum…ect. No one disrespects our rig, at least not on my father’s watch. Oh, and aside from our dated equipment we did the trip with just one raft and three people…not quite the typical group size you see on the Grand. Typically it’s nice to have a larger group and other boats in case something goes wrong but we like to live on the edge.

​ I was captain of our vessel the majority of the trip, and I did my best to navigate through all the rapids and amazingly we didn’t flip! We had some close calls; some that still make me cringe when I think about them, and we all came out of the raft at some point during the trip in a rapid.  My Dad had a scary swim in Horn Creek (just below Phantom Ranch) but luckily was ok. Horn Creek is one of the several rapids where I thought we were done and going to flip but somehow our old “tug” of boat stayed right side up.  Pat and I did a tandem swim in Upset rapid, but Pat really took the cake with a swim in Lava Falls which is classed the most difficult rapid on the river and certainly one of the biggest rapids on the river!  It can be a bit terrifying when you get thrown out of the raft at the rivers latest whim but all you can do is try to grab on to the raft if you can and laugh about it later once you stop shaking…

​One of the crazy things about white water rafting is how it can feel like ski racing in a way… Just like in ski racing you get to “scout” (or inspect) some of the bigger rapids from the shore and pick a line that seems best. The line’s never look that easy and are usually a bit daunting but you go with what you got and do the best you can. Naturally just like in ski racing unforeseen things happen and all of the sudden you could be turned sideways (or backwards, like I ran half of Hance Creek rapid), loose an oar from your oar lock or have the river pull you into a hole or wave you did not anticipate going into during the scout. You have to react in time to save yourself along with your raft, all your gear and most importantly the other people with you. It’s kind of scary but a total rush, especially in a bucket boat from 1993! I honestly feel a lot safer ski racing.  Of course, when it comes to rafting in typical Mckennis fashion scouting all the huge rapids that genuinely deserve a scout tends to go to the wayside…we ran a lot of the big rapids blind with some variable results…eeeek! My father and I have different theories on scouting rapids, I’d like to look at all the big ones and know where I am taking our “tug”  where he says it’s too unnerving to look at all of them and we just need to go for it. In the end he’s the old man of the river so I trusted him even when I didn’t want to and somehow we did it. Just like in ski racing, sometimes you are uncertain but yet you can go for it and make it through somehow! 

We had SUCH an incredible trip, I think it would be pretty difficult not to have an incredible trip on the Grand. It really is one of the most spectacular places in the world, I’ve been a lot of places and it always ranks as one of my favorites. I have so many wonderful memories from raft trips as a kid with my family and being in the canyons is so natural to me and my being that at times I can forget what it is like to see the canyon with fresh eyes as Pat saw it. It was really special to bring someone on such a journey and open up a whole new world to him. I will treasure the memories from that trip like I have from so many other trips in various canyons. Somehow no matter what river I am on it is like a time warp at times, bringing back so many special memories and experiences reminding me how precious our time is together and what an incredible planet we are on. There is so much to see yet so little time!
For now the canyons and the exploration of new places will have to wait till the spring as it is now ski season! Wahooooooo! I’m ready and can’t wait for it to begin! 

P.S. I made a really AWESOME video of our scout and run through LAVA FALLS! There is a surprise towards the end so watch it through! Check it out below! 

Here we are again, back in Europe for the remainder of the World Cup season! I am in some town in Austria I have never been to and feel totally turned around and have no sense of direction to where I am in this little country. Somewhere near the Salzburg side of Austria is about where I think I am currently located…

It’s been a long few weeks since leaving St. Moritz after the last speed World Cups where the wind sabotaged a good Downhill run I had going for myself and where I earned some of my first Super-G World Cup points in several years then it was back to the states for the World Champs in Beaver Creek. As many times as I pictured the World Champs, thought about it, dreamed about it, fought for it and did all that I could to be there and show my skiing it was still a pretty disappointing week for me. All the great images I had in mind and great hopes were slowly dashed day by day as the speed week went on. It felt like missing Sochi all over again. 

I had hopes going into World Champs that I could have some amazing Downhill training runs and show that I had a real shot at making the podium and that I should be given the chance to race. Unfortunately I did not show that spark in the training runs and things felt so stacked against me with not having ever run the Downhill course on the Raptor before, the second of three Downhill training runs being cancelled, the snow being soft and bally the third training run not allowing anyone to push the limit, to the final training run before the Super Combi being stuck on the chairlift for 15 minutes while I stared at the start and watched racers go out of the gate while my start number crept closer and closer till I was only getting off the chairlift when I was supposed to kick out of the gate. As I had the last starting bib of the day the start referee graciously(one of the many amazing workers,officials,organizers and volunteers that made the World Champs run so smoothly) gave me an extra interval to rip my clothing off, click into my Downhill skis, hear a quick scrambled course report and then seconds later kick out of the gate as the lights went out with clouds moving in and putting a dark shadow on the course top to bottom. Not exactly feeling prepared and ready to hurl myself down the Raptor after that ordeal…

In a way I know it was a huge accomplishment to qualify for the World Championship team but honestly it didn’t really feel like much, I know I “should” be happy with how far I have come in the past two years after I was injured but after a time you don’t really care that you were hurt, you want to be good again and reach for your goals and being injured doesn’t give you a free pass anymore. You just have to be fast again and show you deserve it.

I always knew Sochi was a long shot with my injury but really felt like I could be a contender by the World Champs and that was always my goal and I never doubted that I couldn’t do it.  In the end I’m not upset with not being selected to race in the Downhill or Super Combi, I simply did not earn it or deserve it. Looking at the results there was no way I should I have been chosen for the Downhill, the numbers simply did not add up. I feel bad about the whole thing in general, but as I experienced with missing Sochi I know it will only be some less than happy memories and that I have the future to look forward to and that anything is possible in the future. One of the consolations I have is that I am actually healthy at this point and skiing and able to do what I love even if it is a struggle at certain moments and I just want to be over “being hurt” and forget the whole thing like it never happened. 

As emotionally draining and disappointing not competing in Beaver Creek was I have really tried to pinpoint what I love so much about racing since it can cause so much physical and emotional pain. Sure, we all LOVE going fast, that is probably the most common and frequent comment from a ski racer when asked why we love the sport. That one sentiment doesn’t really do the sport justice though…like I can drive 90 miles an hour down 1-70 in my less than stable Nissan Versa if I want and that is pretty exhilarating in itself as it feels like my car might start self destructing at any moment… talk about a speed wobble. Yikes. Or I can get on cross country skis and ski down a bunny hill, feel totally out of control and like I might actually start my own self destruction at any moment. Point is there a hundred ways to go “fast”. Or is the lifestyle of ski racing that I love so much? From staying in amazing hotels all over the world eating incredible food to sharing a bed with one of my teammates that seems to be having night terrors and flops around in bed all night continually waking me or even mistaking me someone that might want to cuddle in their confused slumber of jetlag and sleeping pills. Or the sometimes interesting cuisine that is served as some sort of “meal”. No need to elaborate on the weird food choices that can be encountered during life on the road as there is not a blog post long enough to share these interesting circumstances… Or is it the winning? When you actually win a race the emotions of happiness, gratitude, and elation that all the time and work you have put in has FINALLY paid off? Let’s be real here, I ain’t Lindsey or Mikaela so my wins are few and far between, heck I won a dual GS race in Aspen over Christmas at the AJAX Cup and that felt like a pretty big deal. It was for a fundraiser for crying out loud! My point is its obviously not about winning for me…or I would have quit awhile ago. Could it be that I love the friends and camaraderie that comes with ski racing? That you spend almost your whole youth with the same group of people, and instead of partying away your twenties you go to bed at 10:00 most nights and know one of your teammates as Momma Stace as she goes to bed even earlier (how she does this I am still not sure…) and your feel like a “rebel” if you’re up past 11:00.  That you complain about the loud band or discotheque a few doors down from your hotel that woke you up at 2:00am and you realize you are starting to sound like your father when you complain about the noise of those “kids”. 

There are a million different aspects about ski racing that make it so interesting, fun, horrible, great, not fun, worthwhile, painful, fulfilling and at times stupid. It is some weird combo of all these things that make ski racing right or not right for each person. I get why people quit ski racing. Sometimes it REALLY sucks. Other times it’s the BEST thing you have ever experienced. So I understand why people keep ski racing when maybe they should move on with life.  
Just a couple days ago I was in Davos, Switzerland for some Europa Cup Super-G’s where the first race I skied like a silly Sally and was over two seconds out (I still do not even understand how that happened, I swear I felt FINE) to the next day having a pretty good run and finally feeling some stuff on course that I have been working at for a long time. I actually felt myself skiing deep into the turn gate after gate, and not panicking and throwing my feet away from me and loosing that connection to the snow and ski, I just kept it going and it was AWESOME. I felt that feeling I have in Downhill where everything is linking and I felt so strong and trusting of myself and thinking “oh yea I’m gonna ski deep in to this turn, and wow, I’ve got like tons of time, I don’t need to hook the end of the turn cause I’m totally cool and confident right now,  so I’ll just build the pressure up over my new outside ski, stick my ski right there, nice, and waaaaaaaa, sick turn, ok, now again,….blah, blah, blah,” or something like that. 

For me why I keep trudging (at times it only feels like work and no fun) and at other times sailing and skipping along at the sport of ski racing is the love of going fast, the lifestyle of always on the go, the winning and successes you get at times, the comradery and friends, and those runs where it all comes together and a you say to yourself “YES! I felt it! Finally! It was incredible! I wanna do that over and over and over till the end of time! Or till I have to get my knees replaced, then I might rethink this whole skiing thing. But till then, YES! I got it. And I will do it again, I just know it.”

So after Beaver Creek where I felt so let down and crushed, like a total failure and like it was all pointless if I can’t even reach “plan B” as my goal (Sochi being Plan A) and that ski racing was giving me so much pain, stress, unhappiness and ski racing was being a total jerk to me and not being fair or nice that I got right back on that sardine can of an airplane, flew over to Switzerland and had one of those runs that reminded of the good and great things of the sport that keep me coming back. No matter how much a jerk ski racing can be…those great moments of skiing, friendship, camaraderie and sweet moments of success and happiness somehow can overcome all the crappy days when you want to give up.

Onwards! 

Its been a strange couple weeks…after a decent start to the season with some solid results in Lake Louise that got me up and going again in racing World Cup to the frustration of being close to a really good result in Val d’ Isere if not for a couple small mistakes! It's always the little mistakes that make the difference between smiling with a top ten result or leaving the finish area dissatisfied and wishing for another go at it. 
 I am really happy with the way I am skiing, I have come a long ways in the past six months technically and have met a lot of my goals but there are still many goals that I am reaching for. Many of them results based of course, as with any profession a lot of what measures your success is what makes it down on paper. At the same time though (for myself at least) the other goals I have are no so results based and are more focused on how I live my life as an individual. 

At some point the ski racing life will be over for me and I will be left looking back at how I was as an athlete and what I learned. I have learned many things over the years, almost too many to list but some of the basics are; how to be patient and take one day at a time; as in relation to being injured or waiting for hours on end for a Downhill race that has the continual 15 minute delay till the next decision while the whole time you are trying to maintain a positive and excited attitude in case the race actually happens and when it finally does or does not happen it’s a relief because you can actually get off your bum and do something other than sit and wait! I have also have learned accountability; I can’t really say that I have had one result or another because of a specific person or situation, what it all really boils down to is myself, it can be easy to blame others for slow skis or a bad inspections but it really has been up to myself the whole time to make the appropriate decisions about where my day and life is headed. At my great moments I know in the end that even with the help and support of my whole team what really made the difference on those great days was myself. I've learned how to “follow my own path” and that there is no one way to do things, my journey through the world of ski racing is different than others and I don’t need to follow the same rituals and training regimens of older, more experienced, or more successful athletes. Yes, I can learn from them but I really found that my own way was the best way after a time. We all have different experiences in life that shape us into who we are and we have to try and do the best we can in whatever we are striving for. In the same genre of thought trying not to be judgmental of others and how their path differs from own, I may not be able to relate to other athletes or people in their own experiences but however they choose to live or prepare and compete as an athlete might be the best “path” for that individual. 

One of the many things I have learned is that there are many things more important to life than just ski racing, that there is family, friends, and all the people near and far from that us that support us, our ski racing community and our country.  At times It can be easy to fall into the trap that many athletes succumb to and think that what I do as a professional ski racer really matters, but it doesn't really matter one way or another what I do in ski racing in the grand scheme of things. It’s really just for me that it matters and it is key to keep it all in perspective.  

For a couple weeks I would wake up and have a pit in my stomach, that sick feeling you have when something terrible has happened, it would take me a moment to realize what it was for. But then I  would suddenly remember some of the recent tragedies that have had a large impact on me and so many others. From the accident with Bryce Astle and Ronnie Berlack, two young men that I liked and thought well of. They had already achieved some of their dreams and goals and were surely on the way to reaching more of them, two young men that were certainly taken from this world too soon.  We can all at least know that they were lucky enough to see some of their dreams realized and were still living those dreams.

To another tragic incident involving Will DuBois a young man in the U.S. Air Force that I grew up with and remembered so well from my childhood.  A boy that could be mischievous at times as many people who knew him can attest to, but all around a good kid and someone that showed kindness to a young girl like myself when it probably would have been easier to torment a young girl like so many boys do. Although I didn’t know Will very well in his adult life from what I know he was also lucky enough to also be living out his dreams as a pilot in the Air Force. Not to forget the amazing service and sacrifice he was giving for his country.

All these people and sad events recently and from years ago have reminded me again that’s it not so-so important the things you do for yourself in life, what’s really important is the things you do for each other and the experiences you share with each other. Not that every experience will be a good one, there are always bad experiences and many of them never leave us but that we try to learn from all experiences so we can continue to grow as people for ourselves and in our relationships with others if it’s family, friends, coaches, teammates, strangers, or even lifties!

I am also reminded that each day is precious, and even though that might be a cliche we hear all the time but each day does matter in some regard or another. That we can’t let them slip by one after another without taking the chance to try and be better as a person, sister, brother, mom, dad, relative, dog walker or whatever. Or take the time to have new experience wherever or whatever that might be. Or an old experience or activity that we love. Or to take the risk to push for your dreams and goals to be realized even if it scares you. 

Anyway, all these weeks off from competition have certainly given me a lot of time to think! Some of it comes out clearly onto paper, some not so much and it a confusing mess of thoughts, but at least it’s all there.  Hopefully we get back to racing this weekend in Cortina but you never know…still have to take one day at a time! 


Ski in Peace Bryce and Ronnie 

It’s finally here! The race season has begun and my first World Cups are in just a few days! I am so excited and thankful to have made it back to the place I want to be the most, back on the mountain racing!  At times it still seems so unreal when I look back to where I was a year ago or even a few months ago. 

We had a solid last training camp at Copper Mountain that finished up just before Thanksgiving. It wasn't without its difficulties from arriving with no snow and 50 degree temps to ending up with too much snow and temps in the negatives. Overall we still managed to get in some great days of full length Downhill and Super-G although I wouldn't have minded a few more… I think my total days of running full length Downhill this prep period is around four or five. But that’s neither here nor there, it’s time to race and go with what I've got and I feel confident regardless! 

 We even got to do a few Super-G FIS races at Copper!  I was certainly the most excited person at the race, it was a little awkward to hear other racers complaining how they didn't feel ready to race…like um… yea me either; I was thinking “I just started carving all my Super-G turns again like two days ago because I finally felt comfortable and like I might have enough control to stay in the course and not go zooming off in the nets”.  So that was a good feeling to have, the feeling that I wanted to go fast and not just make it down alive and sketchily stivot in places where no person in their right mind would want to stivot.  When I was racing in Copper I felt the “race feeling” again, like I wanted to push with everything I had, to curl my body into a tighter tuck, to release the ski directly down the hill and squeak by every gate as clean as I could, and to finally send myself off the jump with no speed check, with total confidence and that I had it dialed in the air and that I would land smoothly.  It was an amazing feeling to know again, I had a big smile at the finish and a few tears of happiness and joy came streaming out my goggles. Just like in the movies…sounds horrifically cheesy I know, but it was awesome!  I had some solid results in a tough World Cup field and it was great start to my return to racing. 

After a few days at home with family for Thanksgiving we flew up to Calgary yesterday and are enjoying some downtime at the Chateau Lake Louise. I guess the accommodations here could be worse…hehe it’s so amazing here! Man, we are so spoiled. It’s gross.

Anyway it’s off to the races tomorrow (or training run I should say), I’m excited to go out there and enjoy every moment of being back on the World Cup and to have some fun! 

We are just finishing our Switzerland training camp in Zermatt and Saas Fee, it has been an awesome camp and I am very excited on the progress I have made! We got in several days of Downhill (yippee!) and even more days of full length Super-G.  Being my first camp of being fully integrated with the team I had to make some big steps to jump back into training with the rest of the team. The training in Zermatt was challenging with the snow conditions (gotta love that frozen glacier snow, eeeek!) and with some of the other athletes that trained with us…having some of my first days back running top to bottom Super-G and comparing my times to the likes of Lara Gut, Anna Fenninger, Tina Weirather and of course all my teammates was both overwhelming and exciting at the same time. It felt so good to feel my competitive edge coming back; sure, I don’t mind being a bit behind for a couple days but after that I really felt the desire to win some runs coming back again! 

One of the tough things about returning from an injury is breaking through that threshold of when it’s ok to be a bit behind, skiing conservatively and just working on the fundamentals and to when it’s time to step it up and really start analyzing each turn and movement and to even be hard on yourself and demand more out of your skiing and performance. There comes a point when it’s not ok to lag behind and it’s time to race like yourself again. I feel like I am at that threshold and even the last two days of Downhill training I started to feel more like my old self again and was attacking instead being “safe” and conservative. It is amazing the difference of what your mindset is and how it correlates to your training times on course, it’s like flipping a switch from slow mo to full speed. 

After the first block of training in Zermatt we missed some days of training due to weather so we spent a few days in Thun, Switzerland while we waited for the storm system to pass. It was a refreshing break to see a different part of Switzerland and explore a new city while still enjoying some summer weather. We did a lot of biking around the city which was fun and terrifying at the same time as the bikes we had were electric bikes and would go up to 40km an hour… I am not sure how many times I accelerated too fast and almost hit a car, a human, a tree, a fence or another bike. As a group we were a pretty sweet biker gang, very intimidating and tough looking. Sort of like a Swiss version of the Hells Angels. On electric bikes.

We are finishing up camp in Saas Fee, a town I came to when I was 10 years old, which was 15 years ago! It’s a little frightening to say things like “oh yea I was here 15 years ago” I feel like my father saying things like that…like I might be getting a bit older and I’m not sure how much I like how fast each year goes by. The training was excellent and we even got a few turns of powder one day during Super-G training, a little awkward trying to turn the Super-G skis through powder but I imagine I looked like real pro…

Once I am back in the US I have a few days off, hopefully squeeze in a trip to Moab then back to work in Park City for a two week training block where I will surely get my butt kicked in the gym and come home every afternoon and curl up in the fetal position for an hour or so while I regroup mentally and try to physically.  Always good times at the Center of Excellence…

It will be worth it though as I get to ski again in less than four weeks in Colorado! Pretty excited about all the skiing I am getting in this prep period! Then it’s the last training block in Copper where it will be time for me to break through all my barriers mentally and physically and start being competitive and fast again. A camp and feeling I can’t wait for!

That’s it for now…Chow chow! 

As my first on snow camp in New Zealand draws to a close I have been reflecting on
where the past six months have taken me and what lies ahead...  
After making the incredibly tough decision to pull out of competition last season to give myself a real chance at healing and to be fully prepared to return to skiing I now know the decision I made was the correct one. Looking back to how I felt skiing last November and December and how I feel skiing now it is hard to make comparisons. The positive difference I now feel in my leg and joint is miles ahead of where it felt last year. That being said I am still finding out what my new “normal” is. Some of the damage done to my leg will be a constant reminder for the rest of my days and learning how to work
with my new “normal” and leg will be a continual learning process at what works
and what does not.  It’s a new challenge and one that is both rewarding and frustrating at times, but seeing the forward moving progress lets me know that the challenge is worth it in the end.

The training in New Zealand has not been without challenges, we have had some of the worst weather anyone can remember with rain, wind and even power outages! It has been frustrating to miss days on snow when I feel like I have missed so many but we have filled the canceled days with ridiculous ways to entertain ourselves, I might just get off the plane in Denver in a few days with some pink hair... Not pointing fingers but it was an idea of a certain persons’ name that rhymes with “Gulia”.  We also had a “team building/mental training” Nevis bungee jumping day. I had done the 134 meter jump before but it was still no less nerve wracking getting up onto the platform and heaving myself off the edge. It was actually terrifying, thinking you might actually plummet to
your death for the first few seconds of freefall…other than that it is a blast!  We have a really brave team as even though the whole group of staff and athletes talked about how scared they were not a single person hesitated. So watch out next season! We are
fearless! Or just a little crazy/on the edge/out of our minds/reckless.

Overall I am very pleased with the training and progress I have made this camp, I have progressed much faster than I anticipated! I started out running ten gate sections of Giant Slalom to now integrating almost fully with the rest of the speed team in running almost full length Giant Slalom and even a few days of mellow Super-G! It was really fun to get on the long boards again and feel the speed again! It will certainly take some time to work back into feeling comfortable on speed skis again but every run is starting to feel a bit better and like I am “there”again.  I can’t wait till we go to Zermatt in September and can really get back into Super-G and Downhill again. 

After this camp I’ll get a few days in Colorado to celebrate my 25th birthday (yikes!)
and to hopefully get a few days on the river to put my fly fishing skills to the test.  Then it is back to Park City to continue training at the Center of Excellence with a few of my teammates. I am looking forward to actually working out with my team, after working out so much on my own the past couple years focusing on one injury or another it will
be awesome to get some motivation and encouragement from the group. I’m also starting to get pretty bored with being on my own…turns out the antics of group environment are hard to beat!  
Cheers!